Being My Own Best Valentine
Posted on | February 11, 2011 | 1 Comment
Until yesterday, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.
I did not have label it that way initially. In life, I rationalized, it’s impossible to assume you’ll get along with everyone you meet. So I labeled our relationship ‘difficult’ and I accepted it.
During our time together, he held priority over my schedule two days a week (yet continued to shame me for not being even more flexible), berated me publicly, critiqued my life choices, made fun of my education and socioeconomic status, implied my ethnicity made a second class American, and frequently told me he looked forward to emotionally manipulating me.
If I bit my nails within an arm’s length of him, he would slap my hands.
Afterwards, he would always apologize, tell me he was playing (geez, couldn’t I tell?), or say he behaved this way for my benefit (after all, wasn’t I in acting school? weren’t his actions giving me a fuller emotional life?). And I’d accept his apologies.
This became our cycle. Because I anticipated a future apology, I allowed for his present abuse.
It did not take long for others to notice his behavior. Friends started checking in with me. I misinterpeted their support and was embarrassed by the attention. I consider myself strong, a feminist. I was ashamed others saw a man publicly belittle me.
My very reasonable solution was to start pulling aside him before discussing anything. This way if I felt humiliated, it would be in private.
Yesterday afternoon, I finally broke down. Over coffee, I confided to a friend – already familiar with my situation – the full extent of what I was going through. Part of me was still trying to figure out a way to make it work. After all, his behavior towards me had improved relatively over the past month. There were some moments that were kind. I couldn’t, however, shake one of his latest phone calls. He abruptly hung up on me, called me back to yell at me, and then made me question my interpretation of events – and my intelligence – when I met him in person.
A psychotherapist overheard our conversation and interrupted, “your friend is right. you shouldn’t have to put up with that.”
No one can hurt you without your consent.
You are entitled to your feelings.
And although I felt weak-willed confessing I didn’t know how to deal with this relationship any longer; although I felt like a snitch for saying I need help; and although I was genuinely afraid of he would do to me if he knew I repeated what he said, I did it anyway.
In life, it is impossible to assume you’ll get along with everyone you meet.
But I’m writing this to remind myself: with so many people in this world, you don’t have to accept it.
(Please note: this was not a romantic relationship. If you are my friend and haven’t heard me talk about this in the past month, it’s because I was embarrassed and trying not to let it affect other areas of my life.)
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